


LACUNA

by felix_9felicis



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Blood and Violence, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Family Fluff, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Torture, Kidnapping, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Self-Harm, Separation Anxiety, Temporary Amnesia, but like not deeply described
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 03:24:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19803724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felix_9felicis/pseuds/felix_9felicis
Summary: “Ａ ｓｉｎｇｌｅ word swam inside Chan’s mind as he opened his eyes to a blank white room.‘W H O . . . ?’Who was he?”——Bang Chan was reported missing 9 months ago before he was found with amnesia in a hospital in Thailand.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Work collaboration of @felix_9felicis (twt) and @Merakishi (Wattpad). Please check out our other works

_0\. Lacuna_

_(n) A blank space, a missing part..._

🦋

Wide eyes stared at complet and utter panicked ones.

The ghost of strong hands, forcefully turning him around, left a burning feeling on his shoulders. 

A young man was standing in front of him. 

_Why is he looking at me with such piercing eyes that seems to bore unto my soul?_ They were filled with something so powerful that he almost steeped back. It was a mix of _complet_ and _utter dreadfulness, an engulfing despair_ and a mix of _hope_. It was a look he had never seen on anyone before. 

The once fresh night was now suffocating and awfully hot. He gasped for air, his heart smashing painfully against his ribcage.  Chan subconsciously flinched back as the stranger’s voice filled his ears, screaming loudly. 

“CHAN? CHAN IS THAT YOU???” Nails dug unto his shoulders, trapping him in place “OMG IS IT RE-REALLY Y-YOU? Ch-AN- CHA-CHAN” 

_Bambam_ kept repeating his name like a broken disk, shaking him violently as tears soaked his cheeks. 

Sobs strangled his throat. It was  so hard to breath as his chest tightened unto a deathly grip. He could not believe what he was seeing.  He could not . This sickly pale faced boy, this lost stray kid,was not his joyful and strong Chris. It was _not_. _It could not be_. 

He had played hundreds of scenarios in his head for the past months. Hundreds. But this was far from what he would ever have imagined. He had never expected to be the one to find him, let alone  _here of all places_. 

Bambam had even started to give up on ever seeing his face again. On _never_ getting to see his dimples as his smile grew in his face. _Never_ hear his laugh again. _Never_ get to look at him straight in the eyes. Never hear his name in his mouth. _Never_ hear one of his songs again. _Never_ assist to his wedding nor see him glow on stage. But here was Chan, standing right before him.

“Wh-?” a rusty voice forced its way in Chan’s throat, his eyebrows frowned. Every single sound felt like a loud scream in his ears.

“CHAN! WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU? WHERE? Do you KNOW how SICK DEPRESSED AND WORRIED we’ve all been???” Chan flinched harder, this time taking several steps back, dragging Bambam back with him as he wouldn’t let go. 

_ Why was he getting angry at him now? Why did his emotions switch up so fast? Why was his face familiar? Why did he have this awful sickening feeling inside his guts like he did something wrong? _

“Chan, you’ve been missing for 9 MONTHS! You DISAPPEARED without a TRACE 9 MONTHS AGO! CHAN! WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?”

His ears rung in his head. _What was he talking about? Who was this Chan?_

“Wh-Who are you?” Chan’s eyes looked foreign to Bambam as he glared right at his soul

A long agonizing second later, Chan was not seeing anything anymore. His eyes were blurry as darkness slowly painted his vision. The only thing present was the bells ringing in his head. He put his hands against his ears, trying to make it stop. 

_Who?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What was your favorite quote in this prologue?


	2. Toska

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What expectation do you have for this chapter? Anything you are looking forward too?

_Toska_

_(n) A state of great ａｎｇｕｉｓｈ,_

_ｍｅｌａｎｃｈｏｌｙ,ｌｏｎｇｉｎｇ_

_beyond bearable bounds._

🦋

_Pain_

A complete and tremendous  _pain_. That was what woke Chan up. His mind was empty and blank as only  _agony_ took reign of his brain. It consumed his inside, twisting with his guts and tearing at his heart, ripping everything apart. 

Chan’s hands grasped desperately at the sheets bellow him. His mouth was open widely as his body tried in utter panic to get air in. 

His eyes were open, as big as his mouth was, he was sure of that. But why wasn’t he seeing anything? Why was his vision  so  painfully dark? So suffocatingly empty?  _Why?_

A wave of vomit punched at his stomach and a second later, his head was thrown toward the floor, his fingers clutching blindly at the metal barrier fixed to his bed. The food his system was rejecting was scratching repugnantly his throat, flying all the way toward the white tills of the floor that he couldn’t see. 

He now could feel the hot tears drown his face as sweat and saliva mixed together. Chan aggressively whipped his mouth, his hands trembling violently. He then punched them against his ears. There was this huge noise aggressively penetrating his ears.  _ What was being so loud ? _

Suddenly, two hands were grasping and pulling his shoulders back to the bed. And a second later, someone was screaming in his ears.  _Who was screaming? Who?_ Sobs strangled his scratched throat and his screams halted. 

The pain lasted for 30 more seconds after something had dug itself inside his arm. And after that, everything was blank again. A deep and lifeless emptiness. 

_What? What was happening to him?_

——

The second time Chan opened his eyes, he was _alone_. 

_Alone_ in a room he couldn’t name. It was small and suffocating. 

The ceiling who now faced him was blue. A light blue who reminded him of something he couldn’t place. An oddly familiar blue. Far away, buried in his memories. When his head fell to his left, he could see the walls who jailed him inside the room. They were tainted in a dirty white who went halfway to a shade of yellow. 

Chan didn’t know what _alone_ meant . The word had suddenly jumped inside his brain, but he couldn’t explain its signification. Was it this unsettling feeling scratching his whole body? Was it what made his chest tight and nauseous? He didn’t know. 

Something was missing.  _No_. _Someone_ was missing. He could feel that. But that impression wasn’t unfamiliar. It felt like he was always like that : submerged in this strange sureness that took possession of his whole body. A vacant place by his side. 

But  _who_ ? _Who_ was missing beside him? He was empty. As blank and vacant as a shelf. 

Desolated. 

Bare. 

_Stray_ . 

A shadow was suddenly hovering above him when his eyes started to close up. A panic settled inside his stomach and his breath hitched. That too felt familiar. Oddly agonizingly familiar. 

— 

" _ We’re loosing him! Hurry and take him to... " _

As the words seemed to be fading away in a whisper, Chan found himself frozen in front of a door. It had marks on it as if someone had been doodling on it with a knife. The sides were burnt and splatters of blood were dripping from the middle of the door. A big red circle of red took reign of it center, like if a head had been slammed repeatedly against it. 

Scarlet fists and hands accompanied the whole horror like mess. Long distressed fingers who trailed all the way to the bottom of the wooden door. The once whiteness was now a long lost memory as a bloody darkness now haunted it.

Chan took the handle in his sweaty palm.He turned it and tried to open the door. His mind went numb as he tried to figure out  _how the hell_ he found himself there. Wherever  ' _there_ '  even was. He pushed stronger on the handle but nothing happened. The door stayed bold and strong in front of him. 

A panic settled in this stomach and he pushed harder and harder. Chan needed to get out. He didn't know where this sudden urge came from. But it was there, scratching at his chest and trying to get out.  _Get out get out getout getoutgetoutgetout_

His members suddenly went limb and he slowly turned around. 

_Blank_

A blank room was there in front of him.

_Where am I...?_

His hands made their way to his ears as the sound suddenly came back, making a ruckus in the empty room.

Looking around him, he saw nothing else but white. White was all over the place. Even the disastrous door had disappeared. There was no way out.  _I am really trapped._

Dizzy from the loud noise who was piercing his ears and the too overwhelming whiteness, Chan took a few steps back.His eyes ached in the back of his head. They darted toward where the door was, but again, nothing. It wasn't there. 

He was  _trapped_ ... In his _own_ mind .

Suddenly, a light snatched his attention.

_Is this it? Am I going to die like this? Who even was "I"?_

Chan went toward it and opened his eyes brutally. He gasped, desperately trying to get air inside of his lungs.

Again... that  _light_ blue ...

Looking around him, weird machines were linked to him by some threads. He glance at his body laying in the white bed and his hand catch a needle stuck in his skin. Fear streaks his heart and he snatches it out as he tries to sit up in his bed. 

When he do so, he feels his every movement tear his stomach from the inside. Even his breath was breaking his ribs one at a time. He soon gave up and he let himself fall back down in the bed.

_A rest ... Just a couple of minutes.. This place seems safe for now... Right?_

The second his head touches his bed, the door of his room opens up to a male nurse followed by a doctor. Both of them lookedrather young and intelligent in their white blouses.

_Don’t trust._

Did they bring me here?

_Warning_ .

They’re healing me?

_Danger_ .

The doctor approach him quickly and notice the needle out of his arm. He takes it between his fingers and tries to put it back in.

_Run_ _away_.

"I see that you woke up" he says, placing the needle back in its original place. 

Chan doesn't flinch at the stinging pain.He instead closes his eyes unconsciously. He opens them again a long second later and sees a familiar shadow hovering besides his bed. It slowly turns into a stranger as his eyes slowly gain their focus.

"Sir, you were brought here in blood and barely conscious, do you remember anything?"

Chan barely shook his head to answer the doctor as his eyes went to the nurse who was writing down something on his bed front. He takes his leave of the room a minute later.

Alone with the doctor, his instincts starts kicking in, telling him to run away, that the deadly danger was too close to him but all he could see was the doctor in this empty  too  white room.

The men was talking again, but Chan wasn't hearing anything anymore. The stranger's lips were moving but nothing understandable to his brain was being said. He closed his eyes and made a wish. A wish who looked so familiar.

_ Please. Please I wish I don't wake up. Please don't let me open my eyes ever again.  Please . Let me find them again. Please.  _

_But.... Who was 'them' ?_

Chan couldn't remember. A single tear kissed his lips. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What was your favorite sentence/scene throughout the chapter ?


	3. Saudade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What expectation do you have for this chapter? Anything you are looking forward too?

_Saudade_

_A nostalgic longin to be near again to something or someone that is distant,_

_or that has been loved and lost;_

_"The love that remains."_

🦋 

The light blue ceiling was still there when Chan slowly opened his eyes that morning.

He let his gaze fixed in it, feeling too numb to move. It felt empty inside his chest and brain. Nothing. Just that light blue facing him.It was a weird feeling, but he preferred it to that agonizing pain he had felt _god -knows-when_.His fingers slowly flew to the side of his right eye. Something wet was sliding across his skin.

He pulled his hand back, collecting the lonely tear.

_Oh? Am I crying?_

He observed his hand for a long minute, following the path of the lone tear as it disapears into his skin.

...

_Why..?_

Chan's eyebrows frowned. How could his heart cry when he felt this empty inside? What was there to be sad about? 

No one could tell how much longer he stayed there, laying down like a corpse. 

Eventually, someone came, a nurse maybe. He saw her staring at him with stunned eyes. She opened her mouth to say something, but Chan couldn't understand a single word that came out of her. He had kept his blank face, unable to feel any remorse or need to try to communicate. He had just stayed there, watching her as she ran frantically around him, doing multiple things he couldn't focus on.

Then, a second later, people started to flood in the tiny room. Chan's chest felt heavy as his eyes started to follow them around. His breath got stuck in his throat and his body unconsciously jumped up from the sheets. The door was right there, in front of him, but no matter what he did, he couldn't reach it. His movements became more and more frantic but hands violently grasped his arms and started pushing him back down.

_What was happening to me? Where? WHEREaM I?_

" _GET AWAY FROM ME!!_ " His own voice sounded too quiet for him. These people were yelling in his ears, screaming things he couldn't understand.

Chan barely registered that he was frantically trying to escape the doctors and nurses who were trying to help and calm him down.His mind was too numb to comprehend that his body was proceeding a full panic attack. The cold floor beneath him was the only sensation he managed to grasp as his ears caught up on his whizzing breath.

_Why am I on the floor? Where was the door? Where? I need to get out._

Then, just as suddenly as the chao had came, all hands had disappeared from his side.

Gentle eyes were fixed to his. Kind and warm brown orbits, kindly smiling _at him_.

_How long had it been since I last saw a smile?_

Chan didn't know, but it felt like a life time ago.

"Young men, it's okey, it's okey. We are not gonna hurt you. Can you breathe with me?" The deep voice was like a gentle warm breeze in his _too closed up_ chest.

The men who was kneeling down in front of him was dressed in a white blouse. He could have been around 30-40 years old. His face was calmly familiar and Chan only now registered that he was actually understanding what he was saying.

His breath slowly started to come back to him as he tried to take long and deep breathes. He could now feel his sweaty hands against the floor and his long legs laying flat in front of him.

" _You can leave us alone, I'll give you the details once I'll be done here"_ ordered the doctor to the other hospital's staff. Chan hated that he _could not_ understand a _single_ word.

_What was happening to him?_

The room was empty again but this time, it was a little warmer, a little more appeasing.

The presence of the men, who now was helping him get back to his bed, made him feel light and calm. His touch was gentle as if Chan himself was nothing more than a butterfly in his strong hold.

Once back in his bed, the doctor took a seat in front of him and remained silent.

_He's_ _looking at me, with those father like warm eyes, and that's enough to calm me ?_

"Wh-... Where am I...?" Chan's voice was raspy and rough. He coughed violently, trying to get wherever was blocking his throat to get out.

"You're in a hospital..." The men replied calmly

_Hospital... For how long ... ?_

Chan tried to remember. He truly did, eyebrows frowned and expression hard. _Why? Why was he in such a place? Was there any home he missed out there? Any family he had to get back too?_

But nothing. Nothing came to him. Again, like the first time he had opened his eyes, his mind was blank. _Empty_. Not a single face or name floating around. And more horrifying than that, it felt like he always was like that. Just a black hole full of nothingness.

Seing Chan lost in his thoughts, the doctor smiled again, empathy adoring his features.

"My name is Ferōx, Doctor Lee Ferōx"

_Ferōx... Ferōx... Ferōx..._

Repeating his name in his head, trying to memories every intonation of it, Chan's cheeks felt wet as their temperature slowly raised.

_Why is my face wet?_

He hadn't noticed, lost in his thoughts, that he was crying again. How was it possible to feel so empty and so full of despair _at the same time_?

Chan was fully _sobbing_ now, strangled cries tightening their hold on his throat. Hearing this strangely familiar name had awaken _something_ inside him.

"Here, use this." said the warm voice.

As the younger lifted his eyes to the doctor, he saw the tissue who was being handed to him. The same father like expression was present all over his feature. The older men decided then to loge it in the palm of his hands, seeing no reaction from the said boy.

Kindness, cautiousness and warmth were the only present feelings emaning from his gestures. 

"Are you hurting somewhere? Do you remember anything?"

He was already by his patient's side, a hand on his shoulder as he stood there, examining him. 

"I'm fine..." Chan heard himself reply to Ferōx's worried face. He then lifted the tissue to dry out his face, half convincing himself that he was not escaping the doctor's eyes.

_Why is he nice with me? Does he know me?_

Gathering what his brain could recognize as courage, he asked him :

"Do you know me... Ferōx-shi...?" 

The doctor's face relaxed as he lent towards him and said

"You can call me Hyung" he posed, like if he was weighing his words "Some passant found you unconscious in the middle of the street, bleeding heavily and in a very life threatening state. You've been here for around a couple of weeks, no more than 2"

Chan frowned his eyebrows "Wh-Where am I? Did no one came to look for me? Who am I?" 

Ferōx sighed heavily as he pulled slightly away. Confusion and sadness was apparent on his face. "We are in Thailand. I don't know if you realized but we are talking in english right now. And I don't know what to say... The police was waiting for you to gain back conscious so you can tell us your identity. Who are you Mr?"

_Why was it like this?..._

Chan felt like the whole world was against him. Whenever he found an answer to a question, that answer created other questions... Can't anybody just tell him WHO HE WAS?

_I... I just want to know..._

His eyes went back to Ferōx.

Something inside his guts was telling him that this men's name was already a key.

A key to find at least a start of a name.. But... _Whose name?_

_My name... Do I even have one?..._

At some point, the doctor had left the room, leaving Chan again alone in this light blue emptiness.

\----bip ----bip ----bip ----bip ---bip ---bip ---bip ---bip ---bip ----

He turned his head towards the door, wainting for him to comeback, to keep him company.. Chan tightened his hold on the tissue he had given him.

RAIN

Rain was suddenly pouring on the soft material. 

How could it rain inside a room... ? His head lifted to the ceiling. The damned light blue was still there, nagging at him, but this time, it was a more of a blurry one. Chan glared down at his fingers who were folded on the wet tissue. The rain came back, no it was _tears_ , with the familiar thunder inside his ears.

\---dum ----dum ----dum ---DUm ---dum ---DUM ---DUM ---DUM ---

Frustration suddenly crawled to his chest.

_That's all I know and can do ... Crying and CRYing and CRYING!!??_

Chan felt helpless, nameless... _inexistent_.

_Help me..._

Someone... _Please..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What was your favorite sentence/scene throughout the chapter ?


	4. Déjà vu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What expectation do you have for this chapter? Anything you are looking forward too?

_Déjà vu_

_a feeling of having already experienced the present situation ; tendious familiarity_

🦋

_Thailand._

_Why here?_

_How?. . ._

Chan glanced at the blue ceiling, his mind too focused to really see anything.

_Ferōx said that we were talking in English._

_I know English and I'm in a hospital in Thailand as a patient of this said Lee Ferōx._

_That's all I know._

_That's... all..._

He sighed heavily, lifting himself from his sheets with an exasperated scoff.

_Stupid._

Chan felt the heat of anger slowly fade away as the door of the room suddenly opened. The fresh air of the hallway had quickly chased the flames that had been born within him.

"How are you feeling?" Asked Ferox as he entered the room. The doctor walked past Chan's bed, his attention reported to the monitors. Barely turning around, his hand showed the way to two strangers who were now facing the younger boy.

"Who are they? Do they know me?" Chan managed to stutter, glaring at the two men who now took place on the two chairs located in front of his bed. Ferōx was standing in his usual spot, now looking at them with an absent smile.

"We are from the police station and we are here to hopefully help you find your way back home. At very least, maybe gain back bits of your memory. . ." The first one started. His colleague quickly comforted "We are here to help you mister, that's all"

_They know english. Like me._

Chan blinked and looked at them in a complet silence before something in him made his insides twist. " _Help me?"_ Chan scoffed "How could you help me if I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MYSELF?!" The scream had escaped his throat before he could stop himself. The flames of anger had made their way back to his head.

"Please calm down... We know it's not-"

"What do you know exactly sir?" Chan interrupted the officer.

"Do you know how it is to ignore your own name? Do you know how it is to ignore where your home is? Your Identity? Your life? YOUR WHOLE EXISTENCE?!"

After a long moment, looking at them, Chan couldn't hold it anymore. His entire body was turning into ashes. "DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO WAKE UP IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY with no whats so ever memories?! DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO ONLY BE ABLE TO CRY? HOW HELPLESS YOU FEEL? HOW SCARY IT IS?!... Of course you don't- You know who you are... you-"His voice broke as his rough throat closed up. Chan swallowed back the bill in his chest.

He turned his head away from them. But it was of no use.

The tears yet again flooded in his open palms. The tissue he had gained a few days ago still grumbled in his right hand. Right there, in front of the silent officers, their eyes filled with pity that Chan _refused_ to face. Ferōx quietly approached him and put a hand on his shoulders.

"Calm down. Calm down. We don't know how it actually is, but we do understand how you must be feeling right now. Answer their questions and who knows, maybe you'll remember something?" His warm and firm hand was somehow grounding Chan and his muscles were slowly relaxing.

"I'm sorry, my patient is still in a very traumatic state. Please understand" The doctor's head briefly bowed. The officers offered him a forced smile as they tried to get ride of the heavy atmosphere that had taken reign of the room.

"I am sorry... I was not angry at you two, but at myself, and I just let it out on you... I just-" his eyes were running away from theirs.

"We understand, really."

On that, the room was warmly lighter. Chan answered some questions and gave his fingerprints as the officers explained to him how the procedure of founding him would go. They left as quickly as they had came, accompanied behind by his assigned doctor.

 _There's still a chance..._ He thought with a bit of hope.

He was too focused in his thoughts that he didn't see the nurse standing next to him. The men was smiling to him, cleaning the equipment as he listened to some music.

Chan was looking at him, at his earphones who kept singing in this stranger's ears. He wanted to get to hear at least a sound, curious about what could make the nurse's feet move so passionately.

"Do you want to listen to some? It's my favourite group!" He proposed excited with a heavy accent, noticing Chan's interest. He closed the door, throw his stuff aside and took a seat next to the patient.

"I need to hurry up so here's only a few seconds of Bambam's rap, my favorite!!" He whispered as he put one of his earphones in the younger's ear.

Chan's muscles automatically responded to the music. His upper body unconsciously slowly danced to the music. . . His throat however started to hurt and it felt like someone had put a sphere inside it. The ball was twisting as if it wanted to make a beautiful candy wrap out of his neck.

"Oh! How do you know the dance to the song? Are you a fan too?" asked the nurse, snatching Chan out of his thoughts as he started to dance with him in sync.

_How. . .?_

Chan's hand fell limb in front of his body. He was sure that he would have collapsed if he wasn't already sitting.

"Do- Do you know him? Have you met him before?" His voice was uncomfortably shaky.

_Why am I in this state?_

"Who? Bambam? No, he's an idol! How could I?" The men replied with a laugh.

"But he's having a show here in Thailand for his solo fan-meeting and I'm going to see him this week!!" He added as he took out from his pocket a piece of paper that had been carefully wrapped in a tissu.

_Hope_

"How can I get it? How can I see him??" Chan asked desperately. He didn't know why he felt the absolute need to do so.

The young nurse was about to answer when Ferōx got in the room. In a blink, he hid his earphones and ticket under Chan's pillow and started writing things on his papers while looking at the machines.

"I sent the police officers back. I told them to call me when there's anything new since you... you know... don't have a cellphone and all... but the good news is that everything is working out well! Don't worry!" He said while smiling.

"Oh and you will be able to be discharged soon! You body is strong for it to recover this fast! You are amazing!" He added with an even bigger smile.

_I'm amazing?. . ._

_Amazing. . ._

The small thought left a smile on the corner of Chan's lips.

"Well... I'll leave you to rest then! I just wanted to give you good news! See you later!" The doctor said before he left the room.

Chan turned around to look at the nurse but he had disappeared. A hand under his pillow, he pulled out the earphones and started listening to GOT7's songs.

For the first time in what felt like years, the voices peacefully englobed him inside his head. His body was yet again moving to the rhythm and even though some of the moves made him crisp under the pain, he felt light. Chan was happily free and confident alone in that room. Far away from everything, from his thoughts, from all those strangers surrounding him.

Chan didn't notice the nurse looking at him from afar, pity wrinkling his face through the half opened door. He pushed it further more, the young patient whipped his head towards him.

" _Go_ "

"Sorry?"

"Go see him. Go see Bambam instead of me. I can't help myself but smile when I see you listening to them." He said before shortly adding that there was no more tickets available anymore.

_Just like Ferōx, he must be an angel of hope._

"Thank you." Chan simply replied as he handed him back his phone.

"Have fun and I wish you the best recovery" He said before leaving Chan's world through that white door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What was your favorite sentence/scene throughout the chapter ?


	5. Jamais vu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What expectation do you have for this chapter? Anything you are looking forward too?

_Jamais vu_

_The odd feeling that something_   
_very familiar_   
_is actually completely new_

🦋

The sun was slowly falling towards the horizon and Chan felt that, in the situation he was in, he may also be falling as well. A bit deeper and faster actually.

His head seemed to be splitting apart and someone must have had put a red iron on his forehead because nothing else could explain how much everything was _so_ _hot._ He could feel the sweat adoring his whole body, scratching him. His vision who was hidden by a veil was making every object in front of him a blurry monster. The fresh droplets of rain were helping close to nothing but Chan welcomed them with the ghost of a smile, his head tilt upward and his muscles frozen in the ciment bellow his feet.

The streets were getting darker as people seemed to be walking faster to get back home. Chan could as well have been the main character of _the little match girl_ and no one would have noticed the difference. He felt at the same time _so_ desperately empty and _so_ suffocatingly lonely, that curling up in a ball in some abandoned alley seemed like a wonderful idea. Maybe just like her, with each droplet of rain, he would finally be able to remember the faces of those his brain lodged no more. And even if it costed him to have the same ending as her's, well, so be it. At least some curious passerby would spill a tear or two out of pity on his dead body. Because there was nothing for Chan. Nothing.

At first, everything was going _so_ well, that things _obviously_ had to go wrong and turn upside down at some point. Sure, he had woken up with shaky hands and tears blinding his vision, but nowadays, nightmares weren't something he spent his nights without. He had taken up a fresh shower for after what felt like ages, and the clothes he "apparently" had been found with had been washed and given back to him. His black jeans, who he couldn't remember ever wearing, was _so_ faded that its color had became more grey than anything else. And the same fate had happened to his black shirt. But at least, he had something, that actually smelled like fresh lavender, other than that horrifyingly smelly hospital robe he had on his back for the past weeks. He got discharged from the hospital, and he magically and surprisingly managed to get to the venue without getting that much of lost.

And when he finally thought that he would maybe get back _at least_ a spoiler of his seemingly long lost memories, everything went downhill. Totally opposite of how he thought the day would actually go.

The whole concert experience went worse than any of his nightmares ever would. The place was _way too crowded_. Fans were screaming in his ears and pushing his _too weak_ limbs. Maybe the music was also _way too loud_. _So_ loud that he could barely decipher any clear sound or lyric. And certainly, Chan had been _too_ _reckless_ and _stupid_ to think that coming here would help in the _slightest_.

His assigned seat ended up being _so_ _far_ away from the stage that he barely got a chance to properly see the artist. Even if he had been close, Chan was sure that he wouldn't have been able to focus. His ears still ached from the screams and he could swear that he could still hear them in the far back of his mind. The air there felt corrupted and terrifyingly suffocating. His eyes still flinched from the _too colorful and blinding_ lights who brought nothing but an additional headache to his still existant pain. Everything around him had melted and mixed together until it ended up being only a physical and mental pain, punching and stabbing his muscles and heart. And Chan had felt like a mouse caught up in a trap. A dead body in its coffin. _His_ dead body in a coffin.

Overall, he had been _so_ much _overwhelmed_ by literally every single thing that _he_ seeing _this BamBam guy_ had been the last thing on his mind. And yeah maybe he ended up _hyperventilating_ and was _too_ focused to _get out_ of there to properly make sense of why he even was in that venue in the first place. Gasping for air, legs trembling under the weigh, he had only one certitude as he walked away of the music and crowd : _he will never step a foot in a concert hall ever again._

Chan felt stupid. No. He _was_ stupid. And it wasn't just the feeling of being one.

Yeah sure, the whole song and that BamBam guy did trigger _something_ inside of him. It was a weird thing to describe. His body had reacted almost instinctively to Got7's songs and he did feel _something._ Whatever that _something_ was. But Chan kept reminding himself, it could _literally_ have meant _anything._ Got7 probably were just a group he used to listen too and liked in his past life and that was _it_. Surely the nurse would have enjoyed the show way more than he did. He bit his lip, guilt tripping and scratching his lungs. All of this ended up being for nothing.

He sighed. A deep and long sigh. Heavy and desperate.

Everything was falling on his shoulders. Right there and then. Every single thing at the same time. His back seemed to crumble under the weight. Chan had tried to push back the _terrifying fact_ that he was in a foreign country he _didn't know of,_ people speaking a language he _didn't comprehend_ to the _slightest_ , and that he was completely and utterly _empty_. Alone. Lost in a world he couldn't _remember._ He had tried to ignore it and push it to the far back of his head since the second he got discharged. But the raw and harsh reality was coming back to him like a boomerang, smashing his heart to pieces.

Another sigh.

His head fell down. His shoes were worn and soaked. Drowning in a pool of the sky's tears. And maybe also his. He didn't know anymore.

Yeah. Maybe he should seriously consider curling up in a ball in some dark alley. What was left of him anyway? Only a beating heart in a void.

A shiver ran down his spine.

\----------

He was there. Just. _There_.

Surely Bambam was dreaming. It was another one of his dreams. Hallucinations purely corrupted and fabricated by his needy and exhausted brain. There wasn't another way. It would be _impossible_ otherwise.

Bambam could thank his legs for giving up on him for a long second when his feet stumbled on _something._ It was too dark outside and the black clothes this _apparently_ homeless person was wearing certainly did not help. If it wasn't out of empathy and maybe a bigger amount of pity that Bambam would _not_ admit to himself, he most certainly would have passed by the young stranger with barely an apologetic head tilt and without a second glance. It also helped that it was raining and thunder was tearing the sky apart because BamBam didn't. He couldn't just leave him there, whatever this guy was knocked out on some drugs or not.

So Bambam knelt down a, what he hoped comforting, smile on his red swollen lips.

"It's not a weather to be under men. You shouldn't stay here"

The stranger didn't betray a single movement. The singer titled his head to hope see this person's face but it was of no use; his head was down and his whole body was slumped.

A sigh parted his lips. He needed to try again "Listen _mate_ I'm only-"

Bambam abruptly recoiled back, his feet lost all strength as they stumbled backwards and collapsed under him. He lended in the water and mud, muscles aching from the unexpected and violent fall. However, the hot blood rushing inside his veins didn't register any of it. The stranger had suddenly snapped his head upward, wide and bloodshot eyes glaring right at him. And he had been _so shocked_ by the instantaneous strangely desperate action that BamBam had instinctively tried to move away.

He stayed there a long second, petrified and with stupefied brown globs. Bambam was well enough certain that air was not entering his lungs anymore. His eyes could not _move_ away. He couldn't believe what his brain and heart were screaming at him.

 _No_.

 _No_.

This is _impossible_.

He barely registered that the young men in front of him, that he _couldn't find the strength_ to put a name on, was saying something. Thin lips dancing in the darkness of his own feelings. But Bambam's ears were ringing and the rain was _so damn loud_ and his mind _so worn out._ His brain was like an old tv you would leave on the doted white and black screen.

Then, suddenly, everything happened too fast. The stranger, _who wasn't actually one but Bambam couldn't admit that yet,_ tried to stand back up and probably leave. And a lightning must have streaked his body because BamBam jumped awake from his transe, standing again on his feet in barely half a second.

He violently grabbed this _person's_ black worn out t-shirt, and although he tried to shrug away, he must have been as stupefied by what was happening to actually do something because BamBam effortlessly dragged him under the closest street lamp.

Both body stumbled and slipped on their own feet and rain because a second later, the street lamp light illuminating their faces, they were again limbs and body on the dirty wet floor.

And Bambam would never be able to forget that moment in his whole life. He knew that the sight in front of him would hunt him for as long as he breathed.

Because there, in front of him, was an _unrecognizable_ version of his reported missing friend, bestfriend,

 **N** **_o._ **

_B_ rother.

Chan used to be like a twin to him. They met when both of them were barely older than 13. They had cried together, laughed together, practiced together and even sneaked out of the JYP building together. The grew up together, from the last years of childhood all the way to the finest years of adulthood. They were _BamChan_ like the staff used to call them. The devil pair like Jaebum and the others referred to them. He was someone he shared a dream with. Chan was a part of him he thought he would probably never be able to see again.

It was him, his Chris, Stray Kids' leader. It was _him._ But it couldn't be. In every horrible and disgusting way. It _couldn't_. This Chan was _way too_ _slim_ , his skin _way too colorless_ , his eyes _way too bloodshot._ The clothes on him were nothing but limbs of tissue.

And-

_Ohgosh-_

_He was wearing the exact same clothes he disappeared with. 9 months ago._

_The t-shit he himself had given him for his birthday. The exact same day he went missing._

BamBam's throat spasmed violently at the realization and he forced his body to move away and a second later, he was throwing up his stomach in the nearest trash bin. His body kneeling down in an aching way, forcing him to _suffer_ and _gasp for life._

He whipped his mouth with his sleeve, and snapped his head back. He panicked for a long second when his eyes couldn't find Chan's. And he started crying and sobbing when his brain _finally_ settled on him. Chan was still there, all scared and confused. Like a broken doll, a child waiting gently for his crimes to be punished.

_But a child could do no crime._

"Ch-Chris- Chris- It's you- it really is you- OhMygod" Bambam's throat was raspy and rough. The rain and pain had rusted his vocal chords. He copped Chan's cheeks in his shaking palms, his knees scratching against the floor as he moved closer.

He searched for _something_ in his eyes. But there was nothing he expected or was looking for. No joy, no surprise and not even sadness. Just pure panic at its rawest form. A sob shook Bambam's body again and his knees fully collapsed underneath him, joining Chan to eye level. He barely registered that he was mumbling and repeating Chris' name like a maniac but at the point he was in, everything was blurry and didn't matter. Only Chan mattered. He was _there. Here. In front of his eyes. And it_ _wasn't_ _an hallucinations. OhgOsH-_

" _Who are you?_ "

BamBam was sure now. His heart had stopped beating and he maybe hopped that it wouldn't start again.

\--------

"C-Chan- It's me- It's me Bam, BamBam- "

If Chan wasn't so close to him, he wouldn't have understood what he was mumbling between tears and strangled sobs. _His name_ was familiar under Bambam's tongue.

"Chan...." he tested his own name on his lips, and it felt at the same time strangely familiar and foreign. Like something he knew he was supposed to know this whole time but didn't.

Something must have shown on his expression because Bambam breathed out a somehow relieved laugh before continuing.

"Yeah, that's you." His eyes build up in tears as he grabbed both of his hands in his "You're Bang Chan, leader of the kpop group Stray Kids under JYPentertainment. I-I am bringing you back home Channi I-" A sob strangled his breath for an endless second "I _found_ you Chris. I _found_ you" A second later, in the lapse of a breath, something clicked inside Chan's brain. Like a piece of a puzzle finally falling back unto place.

Yeah.

That was it.

His name was Christopher Bang. Bang Chan. Chris. From Australia. How could he have forgotten that?

Chan felt like someone had grasped his heart and was destroying it with their bare hands, planting their finger nails into its muscles. It felt like he had been drowning at the bottom of the ocean this whole time, and Bambam was only now violently dragging him out of it, forcing his squeezed lungs to be submerged in nothing but fresh air. It felt like waking up from a nightmare, a coma, or just out of a big black hole.

His hands flew to Bambam's shoulders for support. His head dangerously fell in between his arms, he was unable to hold it up. Wheezed breathes escaped his throat. He tried to remember, like he seemed to only be doing lately. He tried to remember _why_ he was where he is. He tried to force his brain to bring him back to the last days he remembered spending inside JYPe building. But nothing. He knew who he was, he knew _where_ he was _supposed_ to be. But yet, he was nowhere near that.

He was supposed to be in his studio, tapping at his laptop while Changbin and Jisung composed and wrote lyrics besides him. He was supposed to be in their practice room, watching Minho, Hyunjin and Felix as they each excitedly danced to the new choreography they had came up with. He was supposed to be behind his computer, recording and complimenting Seungmin's breathtaking vocals. He was supposed to be making Jeongin's breakfast, while the younger hurried to get ready for school, cheeks torn with dimples. He was supposed to worry about whatever dealing with school and idol life wasn't a too heavy responsibility on the maknae's shoulders.

Tears and panic soaked his eyes. _Why was he here? How did he end up separated from them?_

He couldn't remember. He _couldn't_. Everything from the last time he saw his members to now, kneeled in the middle of foreign streets, his life _desperately_ clinging to Bambam's shoulders. Everything in between those two moments was complete hollowness. He _couldn't_ remember. _What_ _happened_ _to_ _him?_ Fear crinkled his heart.

His fingers dug inside Bambam's shoulders like claws and he had to gasp for air a few times before he managed to lift his head. He was looking at him with new eyes, like he was only just seeing him now.

" _Bam... Wh-what am I doing here?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What was your favorite part/quote?
> 
> EDIT : I CAN'T BELIEVE that i made such a HUGE mistake/typo and called Chan 'Christiano Bang' AND NONE OF YALL CORRECTED ME wtf -Nay


	6. Ukiyo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A longer chapter than usual as an apologize for updating after so long

_Ukiyo_

_"The Floating World"; Living in the moment, detached from the bothers of life._

Bambam trembles with the hotel room's card in hand, struggling to get it through the hole. His breathe heaves and he grittes his teeth, trying to force his hand to stay still as he tries again.

"H-hold on Channi" he mumbles; Chan's arm thrown around his shoulder. "Let me just- open this damn-door" he grunts the last word, finally managing to push the _damn_ door open.

The light inside the small hotel room turns on as soon as they step inside, Bambam half dragging Chan. He throws him a quick glance; the Australian's head is hanging down, eyes closed.

His bag is carelessly thrown on the first single bed to his right, finally able to support Chan's unresponsive body with both hands. He drags him a couple more steps before he carefully lowers him unto the bed beside the big large windows taking the whole wall. "H-here, here" he puffs out when Chan's head is securely resting on the pillow. Bambam breathes out, sitting beside him on the bed. He takes a moment to observe his sleeping face. His cheeks are flatter than they used too. There are huge dark bags under his eyes and a few cuts paints his face. The bigger one is on his left cheek, red and slowly fading. Bambam can't help his thumb from running through it. "Who gave you this Chris?" he whispers, even if he knows that he won't get an answer. Bambam can't help his brain from wondering.

_Did he cry when he received this? It must have hurt._ _Did he do it to himself per accident? Did he do it to himself out of frustration? Or... Did someone hit him?_

Biting his lower lip, Bambam turns around and lowers his head between his knees, hands grabbing his hair. What was he supposed to do now? Who could he trust? He couldn't let what happened last time happen again and scream on the roofs that Chan had been found. He had grabbed the first taxi that had passed by them, his head running a mile the second. He couldn't get them to his home, it was crowded most of the time by fans and they were one of the last people he wanted Chan to cross path with. The police here wouldn't do anything, Chan's whole case was back with Korea's secret investigation team. He couldn't really trust the hospital either, Chan didn't even have any paperworks and it would just get messy. So here they were now, in a random hotel the closest to the airport, because he knew they needed to fly to Korea quickly.

Chan had slept almost the whole ride. He had first stared with wide eyes at the speeding view outside his side window. Bambam expected a lot of questions from his part and he himself had a lot, but Chan had barely uttered any word. He just stared at the outside world, like if he hadn't seen it in ages. It was probably the case, the Thai boy realized, not being able to hold the tear from slipping down his cheek. He noticed that Chan's hand was shaking, so he carefully held unto it. Maybe it was to comfort his friend, maybe it was to comfort himself. He couldn't really tell. Chan had fallen asleep a couple of minutes later.

Bambam's phone started ringing again, tearing him from his thoughts. He sighed exasperatedly.

He was supposed to meet with his manager, some staff and friends for an after-concert dinner when he met Chan. He knew everyone was probably starting to be worried sick about him, but he couldn't find the strength to care about anything else other than his long-lost brother. Typing a quick reply to his manager informing him that he was perfectly fine and not to look for him happened to require a lot more energy than he wanted to admit. His eyes stayed ghosting on his contact names. He scrolled down through them, only realizing that he had been looking for his leader's name when his finger suddenly halted above him.

Calling JYP would be the right thing to do. He should be the first person informed and was one of the only higher up in the company that he really fully trusted. Hell, he should be able to trust his own manager with Chan. Bambam _knew_ that. He _knew_. But the only thought of calling any of them sent a shiver down his spine and a nausea twisting his insides. Tears crawled in his eyes and a shuddered breath made its way out of his lungs. He pressed his palms on his eyes, making black colored dots appear behind his closed eyelids. It reminded him of the child he used to be, amazed by the colors appearing inside his squeezed shut eyes. When such an action was full of an innocent amazement and wasn't the act of the young man he was today, terrorized and on edge.

Chan stirs in his sleep and it's all it takes to make Bambam snap his head up. He turns his body slightly to the side to better face the sleeping boy. His eyebrows are frowned, and he looks troubled in his sleep. He wants to tell himself that he doesn't want to wake him up, but deep down, he knows that it's because he doesn't have the strength to face him yet.

He reaches to hold his hand, and when it is securely in his hold, his breathing evens out and his chest isn't as tight.

His finger press on Jaebum's name before he can change his mind and chicken out.

It rings twice.

" _Hello_?"

Bambam stares at the clock on the wall. It's currently 3am and it should be around 5am in Korea. He knows Jaebum should be sleeping right now. His voice should be sleepy, and he shouldn't have answered this fast. But it isn't the case. And Bambam's somehow thankful.

" _Bam?_ " he snaps out of his head, thinking quickly of what to say, but his tongue is heavy. " _Why are you calling me at this hour? Is something's wrong?_ "

"Hyung" he squeezes Chan's hand. "Why are you still awake?" he knows he should be telling him about more concerning things at hand, like finding their almost family member who had been kidnapped for months. But the situation is so heavy and important that it's hard to find the right words.

" _Just working on some music_ " There's shuffling behind the phone. " _How was your concert? Everything went well right?_ "

It suddenly becomes too hard to talk like nothing is happening. Like Chan is not laying passed out beside him, his cold hand in his. Unaware if he is physically hurt anywhere. If he should have brought him to the hospital instead. If he is mentally stable. If he would remember his face the next time he would open his eyes. What had been done to him? What kind of nightmares hunted his sleep? What kind of painful memories and faces appeared in them? It was too _hard_. Too _suffocating_ on Bambam's lungs.

" _Bam?_ "

Upon hearing the worried tone in his voice, Bambam can't help the first sob from scratching his throat and making its way to his leader's ears.

" _Bambam what's wrong? What happened?_ "

Jaebum shouldn't be worrying about him. He shouldn't. Chan was more important. Chan was in danger. Chan-

Bambam looks at their joined hand.

"Chan. Hyung, Chris is- he's" cries bubble up in his throat and he can't continue talking. There's a long silence behind the call.

" _W-What about Chan? Bambam, what about Chan?_ " his voice is stumbling and pressed. There's panic rising in his tone.

"I-I found him. Hyung I found him. I found Chris" Bambam tightens his hold on his phone, head hung low as he let the tears freely fall. He bits his lips, trying not to make too much noise as not to wake Chan up.

" _W-What?_ "

"I- I was walking and he just- he was there. Just there, like a homeless man. I almost went right past him- _Ohgosh_ I almost ignored him" His words are a jumble of teary words and he knows Jaebum is probably focusing hard to understand him.

" _Listen Bam, maybe it was just someone who looked like him. You're probably just tired from the concert and-_ " his voice is disappointed but at the same time revealed, and _so_ heavy with a barely contained sadness. One who sounds years old.

"NO no no you don't understand. I didn't imagine him. It was really Chan he-" Bambam stands up and start walking in circles in the room.

" _Bambam listen-_ "

"No no no no. _You_ listen to me" he stops his hundred steps marathon and look at Chan's sleeping body. "He's here Hyung. He's right here, beside me. I _found_ him. Chris is- he's _here_." He moves to sit beside him, this time, in the other side of the bed right by the window. He holds his right hand, as if to assure to himself that all of this was real and not a part of his delirious mind.

When his leader speaks again, it's with a shaky voice. " _You're lying. I don't believe you. I don't- this is not true_." There's a hardly contained hope, licking unto Bambam's heart, making his eyes sting.

"I- I told you. I was just passing by. And he was just _there_ , in a dark alley, laying on the floor. It was raining so hard I al-almost didn't recognize him. Bu-but Hyung it's Chris, the guy I grew up with like a twin, how could I not recognize him even in the state he was in?" his vision is blurry, but he doesn't lift his arm to whip his eyes.

" _Where are you right now? Hospital? Police Station?_ " his voice is almost too rushed to be understood. Bambam can't see him but he knows he must be collecting his stuff and heading out with the familiar sound of a door loudly closing.

"No-No I- We're in a hotel right now." Bambam removes the phone from his ear, expecting what's coming next. "I didn't tell anyone, you're the first I'm calling."

" _YOU WHAT?_ "

"Hyung-" the device is carefully brought back to his ear.

" _ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE'S INJURED OR NOT, IF HIS LIFE IS IN DANGER OR NOT! AND YOU BRING HIM TO A HOTEL?_ "

"He doesn't look injured! I just thought-" Bambam defends back, his body instinctively retracting. He can hear a second voice behind the phone, asking what was wrong.

Jaebum sighs heavily and Bambam knows he must be running his free hand in his hair. "So you thought kidnapping him to a hotel room without calling professional help was the RIGHT thing to do? What the fuck are you doing man?"

"SO WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?" The tears finally slip and this time, he angrily whips them. He lowers his voice when Chan moves in his sleep. He is looking at him when he continues speaking. "We're in Thailand damn it Hyung. Not in Korea, in Thailand! Why is he here when he was ripped from us in Korea? How did they manage to get past the security and take him aboard when the whole damn country was upside down looking for him? You know what happened the last time we trusted the wrong people. How do I know that the people I'm gonna trust him with are safe? How do I know that they aren't going to rip him away from me right under my nose _again_? His kidnappers are still running free damn it." He lowers his head and grip his hair, tears steadily falling on the ground. "I am scared Hyung. I'm _so_ scared. I don't want him out of my sight. I _can't_."

There's a silence before Jaebum speaks again. " _Can- Can I speak to him?_ " his voice is shaky again.

"He's sleeping." Bambam whispers under his breathe. "He's not- He's not himself Hyung." He reaches forward and removes a few of Chan's dark hair from his face. "He didn't recognize me at first. Didn't even know his name. Didn't even say a word the whole ride to the hotel, mostly slept. I don't think he realizes what's going on. I don't think he knows."

"Let me at least see him please. I need- I need to-" the words got stuck in his throat and Bambam never got to hear the end of his sentence. He sounded so weak. Throughout all the years they've known each other, Bambam could count on his hands the number of times he had heard his leader speak with such a destroyed tone.

He removes the phone from his ear and send a facetime request. When he sees Jb's red eyes, he turns the camera, so it faces Chan's sleeping face. His hair was blonde when he disappeared, but it's now black. His face used to be lively, but it's now blank like a picture on some paper. His skin used to be smooth and clear, but it's now full of scars and bruised here and there. But it's still unmistakably their Chan. Their Chris.

Jaebum choks on a sob he tries to hide with a cough. Bambam doesn't comment on it. He leaves him the time to pull himself back up.

"Bam, listen to me carefully" Bambam turns the camera to himself and he nods. "I think you're smarter than I give you credit for. You are going to wake Chan up. Make sure that he doesn't have any injury that needs immediate professional care. Make him take a shower, try to clean up any cuts that may get infected with a first aid kit. Don't overwhelm him with too much questions even if I'm sure you have plenty. Just try to get vital information if he remembers. If he doesn't, don't push him too." There's the sound of keys and a door closing. "I'm going to try to contact JYP and go directly to his house to meet up. I'll make sure he calls you so we can discuss how to get you both back to Korea safely." His breathing is heavy and it's clear that he is running. "Just stay where you are and don't inform anyone for now alright? We don't know if his kidnappers are still looking for him. Don't tear your eyes away from him. I trust you Bam."

Bambam squeezes Chan's hand, eyes burning in fire.

"I will keep you safe Chris." A single tear slips from the corner of his eye. "I won't make the same mistake twice."

*🦋*

_What am I doing here?_

Seeing Bambam's face broke the seal to something he knew was there somewhere inside him but couldn't reach; his memories. The pain and exhaustion of it all was enough to knock him out in the Taxi ride. The anesthetics in the painkillers he drowned down his throat a couple of hours ago also probably had something to do with it all.

And soon enough, he found himself in a familiar room with the same unchanged bloody door. The rectangular entrance was still the same, but the walls weren't pitch white anymore. They were painted with faces he identified as fragments of memories. Chan walks across the room's exposition, the colors and features too numerous and intertwined together for him to really recognize any. He stops when he steps in-front of the gloomy door.

_Please open up..._

He slowly lifts his hand towards the handle, grabs it and this time, his wishes come true. The door is unlocked. Chan steps outside as quickly as he can, fearing another door appearing from nowhere to trap him in again.

The sudden sun is blinding above his head and he doesn't really know where he's heading too, but he's running, because that's the only logical thing that comes to him. The sea of people opens up a way for Chan every step he makes. Between each glare and murmur he feels on his back, his feet push him faster and he wishes to disappear. But once near a shop's vitrine, he understands the reaction of the crowd. His hair wasn't white anymore but bloody and muddy. His shirt is torn, burned and soaking in a strange brown reddish liquid. He is wearing a ripped white short, that reveals his dirty bare feet.

_I am quite a show, aren't I?_

After the beautiful sight of his reflection, Chan starts laughing, his mind dizzy and blurred. His members feel heavy, but he keeps walking down the street without a goal.

_Who am I exactly beside being Chan...? Why am I here and where is here anyway?_

Pulling Chan out of his thoughts, a warm hand grabs his shoulder. The contact makes his body crisp, turns his stomach upside down, as he feels a cold sweat running down his spine.

Turning his body around, the hand seems to belong to a doctor out of breath.

"Wh-why did you get out? You're not in condition yet! You'll have to come with me" says the doctor as he grabs Chan's wrist and pulls him.

_Who is he?..._

_ Do not trust him _

_He's helping me again..._

_ Warning _

_He seems nice..._

_ Danger _

Having nowhere to go and no more strength, he follows the doctor silently back in the white room where the memories disappears from it walls.

*🦋*

Bambam returns to his place next to him. Watching him sleep is reassuring even if Chan still looks like he is having a nightmare. Back in the taxi, he almost didn't notice when he fell asleep. He became so quiet, so careful, so _not_ him... Usually he would be this bubble of energy, smiling to everyone and ditching sleep for a couple of hours of producing any day... But this wasn't like any other day. It hadn't been since months ago.

"What happened to you while you were away? What did they do to you?" Murmurs BamBam.

_The doctor closes the door behind him with a key before he lets go of Chan's wrist. He walks him to the middle of the room while taking a rope out of his white blouse  
and uses it to tie Chan's wrists together. _

_"This is the procedure to make sure you will not run away again" he says to Chan with a Grinch's smile on his face. When he is done speaking, Chan's ankles are tied up as well. Getting up, the doctor takes a step back and kicks Chan in the chest. A suffocated surprised scream resonates in the room. His rib cage's cartilage cracks under the impact, making breathing even more difficult. Gasping for air, he looks around him panicked, but once again, he is all alone in the middle of an immaculate white._

Chan suddenly opens his eyes and curls up in the bed, mouth wide open asking for some air. He sits up, bringing his knees to his chin and enslaving his legs with his arms. He looks around, like a trapped animal trying to figure out where he is. When his eyes lands on Bambam, his breathing slows down and he releases the grip on his legs.

"Where are we?" his voice is raspy, and it hurts to talk.

"Don't you remember? We came in this hotel room about two hours ago Chris" Bambam offers a comforting smile.

Chan looks around again, without answering him. As he seems to recall the day's events, he lets go of his hands and sits more comfortably. However, his closed and crossed legs still shows some discomfort and closeness.

The wall on his right is entirely taken by a large window. The stores are closed so he can't really tell how high they are. A single bed is on his left, a small white nightstand separating his bed form the other. The bathroom is in the far left, beside the door, and there's a simple grey wall facing him.

"What are we going to do now?" asks Chan.

"We're going back to Korea of course! To your family, Stray kids and at JYP." He notices that Bambam looks anxious. "JYP is going to send us your passport and everything you might need to fly back. It shouldn't take more than a day or two." Chan nods, not understanding half of what the young artist was saying.

"Should I give them a call?"

The simple sentence is enough to make his head snap up. "Give them a call? Now? I don't remember anything much... What am I going to sa-"?

Bambam's phone rings and it cuts Chan's worries.

"Hello?"

" _WHERE IS CHAN? HOW IS HE? IS HE HEALTHY? INJURED?_ "

"Speaking of the devil..." Bam laughs to lift up the mood, which is welcomed by an awkward silence as he puts the call on speakers.

"Chan is with me, but you'll have to calm down if you want to talk to him pd-nim." He turns toward Chan and he adds "Here, it's Park Jinyoung, the CEO of our company aka JYP."

Chan takes the phone. Listening to the worried voice at the other side of the phone was quiet warming but he doesn't remember much about this man... _Who is he? Why is he so worried about me? Were we always this close?_

As JYP speaks again and again, Chan's cheeks turn red, frustrated at himself for being once again unable to recall any memories. He was sure he had recalled everything a couple of hours ago... Why was everything suddenly so blurry again?

Seeing the rain fall on his cloudy colored face makes Bambam take back the phone in a second.

"Bro... It's okay... No pressure, time will help..."

  
On the phone, he exchanges some greetings with JYP before he promises to call back. He lets Chan calm down while he prepares some tea. It's ready in a cup three minutes later and he slowly hands it to the Australian's welcoming hands. He notices his phone screen is lit up by notifications.

> Jackson Wang [1missed call]  
> Jackson: Shouldn't you let his mom know first?!?!

BamBam lets his screen turn back off. He doesn't know what he's supposed to be doing right now. Jaebum instructed him to not talk to anyone and just look out after Chan until JYP is informed and decides what to do. He sighs loudly and turns fully his attention to his friend.

"Chris?" Chan brings his cup down and stare at him. "Are you hurt anywhere? Do you think anything should be urgently treated? We can go to the hospital if you really ne-"

"No no I'm fine." He looks back down at the tea hugged between his fingers. "I just got discharged actually"

His voice is quit but in the dead silence of the room, Bambam hears it as clear as ice. "W-What?"

Chan doesn't know why, but he can't look up at him. "I actually woke up in a hospital. I don't know how I ended up there, I don't know why I was there, heck I didn't even know who I was." He plays with his fingers and he feels his ears turns red. "Everyone was speaking a language I couldn't understand, and It was just so confusing and scary." He looks up when Bambam reaches to hold his hand. He doesn't say anything and neither does he smile, but just his eyes are enough. Eyes full of pain and understanding. "One of the doctors spoke english so it went rather well. I don't know exactly how much time I spent there, the days melted unto weeks, and I was passed out half of the time. And then this nurse was listening to one of your songs..."

"Who? Got7's songs?" Bambam looks surprised, and when Chan's hands start shaking too much for his taste, he takes the cup of tea from his right hand. "Yeah...He saw my interest and I guess he took pity of me. He gave me his ticket to come see you and I just-"

"You came to see me? You were there tonight?" The warmth in Chan's hand slip from his and it makes him jump from surprise. He doesn't know why panic starts raising in his chest. "Y-yeah. I'm sorry I- I was. It was so suffocating and there was s-so much noise I couldn't- I couldn't stay. I-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" his breathing is loud and heavy. His chest constricts in a familiar way and his vision darken on the edges.

Suddenly, the warmth is back, and this time, instead of slipping unto his hand, it envelops his whole body. "It's okey Chris, It's over now. You did the right thing. Thank you for coming to see me." He pulls back from the hug and Chan's vision clears a bit. "You don't realize how thankful I am that you reached out to me. If you hadn't, I would never have found you." Bambam sighs and stands up. "I know you said that you were at the hospital, but I'd like to make sure that all your cuts are cleaned, and none get infected. That is after a good hot shower alright?"

Chan nods, his eyes following Bambam when he opens a couple of drawers to pull out towels from them. "I'm gonna put these in the bathroom. You'll find some shampoo in there as well. Take as long as you want alright?" he is speaking as he walks in and out, making sure everything is in place. "Sadly, I don't have any extra clothes for you, so you'll have to keep the pants. I have a hoodie merch in my bag so we can ditch that old shirt of yours. I'll figure a way to get some of my stuff tomorrow."

The shower feels nice, and it makes some of the aching in his bones ease. There's an anxiety building up in his chest at the thought of staying there more than 10 minutes, so he hurries up, making sure not to overlap on the time he set for himself. The hoodie Bambam gave him is big on his slim chest but it feels warm and nice. There's a set of delicious food waiting for him when he leaves the bathroom, but he can't get the food down. It comes right back out, and he finds himself back in the bathroom, throwing up everything unto the toilet.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so stupid. We should have just went with some soup. We don't know how long you went without proper food." Bambam says with pain in his voice, tapping Chan's back as another wave of nausea shakes his body.

It's when Chan finally manages to get the soup down and they are back on the bed, Bambam treating the cuts on his face and hands does the Thai idols asks, "Do you really not remember anything?"

Chan shakes his head, not even flinching when his cuts are getting cleaned. "It's like a black hole. I don't even remember arriving here. Don't remember the last thing I did with the members. I don't remember anything that happened for the past months." He stops before he speaks again. "It's like someone is constantly holding a black veil in front of my mind. Some faces get erased a moment before they appear again. Like right now, I know who JYP is and I remember all the memories attached to him. But when he spoke to me earlier, he was completely erased from my mind. It just- It gets so confusing. I am talking with you right now, but I don't know if I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and completely forget who you are. Who I am. It's scary. It's terrifying."

Bambam stops moving and it makes Chan look up. "Then, I will make you remember. Just like the first time, no matter how much time it takes, no matter how many time it happens, I will always try to be right by your side to make you remember alright? Even if I'm not there, someone else will. Your friends will. Your members will. Your family will."

Chan nods, trying to blink the tears away. It somehow makes Bambam giggle softly before he turns back to treating his small wounds.

"C-Can you tell me what happened? How many time passed by?"

Bambam doesn't look up this time but his movements slow down. "You disappeared nine months ago. You were there one morning and weren't the other. You left behind your clothes, your laptop, your dear music, your friends, your members, your family, everyone. It was just the faint smell of your smile that was left behind." He doesn't look up but Chan can feel his tears constantly falling on his hand. Bambam stops moving. "We had to wait at least 24H before declaring you missing and it's only after 72H that the company released a statement. But it was already too late. We soon learned that you got kidnapped." He sighs and looks up. "I can't tell you much. I don't want to overwhelm you."

Chan nods. He had guessed that something bad had happened but hearing the word _kidnapped_ coming from someone else's month was hard.

"Let's head to bed alright? Tomorrow's hopefully gonna be a better day"

Chan, unlike his usual self, fell asleep quickly.

Bambam can't do anything else other than sits in his own bed and stare at his sleeping face. Every time sleep overtakes him for a couple of seconds, he snaps his eyes back open in a startle, fingers shaking. It's terrorizing. Bambam's terrorized. What if he falls asleep and everything happens to be a dream? What if someone takes Chan away when he's not looking? That's probably what separation anxiety feels like, he thinks.

And if he doesn't close his eyes a single second to rest the whole remaining of the night, no one is there to complain about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for making you guys wait for literally MONTHS. We'll try to upload more frequently.... 
> 
> We choose Ukiyo because we felt like in this chapter, Chan and Bambam are separated from the outside world. They have a small moment of peace to themselves before the police, hospital, JYP, reports, fans etc.. fall on their heads.
> 
> Hope you liked this chapter, hopefully see you soon!!! 
> 
> Comments are always so much appreciated hehe


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